When he was

Sam’s mother is the worst person he ever knew. She is parsimonious, selfish, vicious, destructive, wicked, petty. She gets what she wants and everything she deserves. She is not a person but a concept of a villainous being, spitting venom upon the universe. She is what Sam fights against. Her person and her existence.

But every monster shows a pleasant side in its best moments. Those come few and far and between. Sam remembers them all.

When he was 5, she walked the whole park three times looking for his favourite toy. It was a stuffed bunny. Light brown. Long body. He called it “BunBun”. He was waiting for her in the park when a man walked up to him and flashed him. In horror, Sam took off, not looking back. He ran to the first adult woman he saw and cried to her. The woman shook him off so he hid under a tree. His heart was beating 210 km an hour. He stayed there until it got dark. A police officer, who was making rounds noticed him and called his mum. She rushed from a bar to take him home, but he refused to move. Not until he gets his BunBun back. His mum and the officer split up and searched the park for it. It must have been carried off by a dog, because his mum returned with a new stuffed bunny, saying: “Look! I found BunBun.” Sam could tell it wasn’t BunBun. BunBun had marker drawings on him. But he hugged his mum regardless. He didn’t know why his daddy didn’t come to rescue him. He just knows he was there to yell at his mommy for losing him in the first place.

When he was 7, she gave him a ukulele. She told him, “it’s a guitar for adorable teddy bears before they grow into grizzlies”. It was plastic and red. The strings were also plastic. Sam brought it to school and played during breaks. He learned two whole songs. Six days later, she smashed it against his head.

When he was 8, she brought him a box full of comic books. It was filled with 27 and 157 volumes of superheroes and Sam read them front to back dozen times. He would make up his own stories for the lacking books. He fell in love with the heroes, even with the missing context. He would draw them over and over again. His favourite was Nightwing. He really focused on making him as handsome as in the comics. But a close second was Gambit.

When he was 10, she established Taco Friday’s and bought fresh ingredients from a farmer’s market. They prepared them together and ate in silence. It was the best meal Sam had in two years. He stuffed his taco with too much meat, which made his mum laugh and drowned it with hot sauce. There were even leftovers. The next Friday, she came back home drunk and with her tits out.

When he was 12, she gave him her old phone. It was a black iPhone 3G S, almost new. It had hundreds of messages, most of them being dick picks. But once he deleted them, it was perfect. He overfilled the storage with music and dumb photos. He texted his friends all the time. Sometimes, he would get a random dick pick, not only from his friends, but he just wrote back “wow. is it suppose to be this small??” and laughed at the responses.

When he was 13, she gave him posters of his favourite bands. She was dating a Hot Topic employee at the time. She helped him duct tape them to the walls of his room. When she asked what their songs are like, Sam went for his phone, but she stopped him. “ Sing them for me,” she said. He sang. She smiled at him and told him he has a nice voice.

When he was 14, she bought him a hoodie. It was a limited edition from a small brand, very cosy and two sizes bigger than Sam. It was black with a stunning print on the front. A black knight was embracing a black prince on top of a tower, a blue snake swayed around it.

When he was 15, she took him to a sushi place. It was a local place run by a lovely Japanese couple, who just had a baby boy. His name was Takashi. He was a chubby-cheeked baby, who laughed a lot. They got a traditional room, where they ate the best from the menu together with the family. He got to try a glass of very expensive and popular sake. It tasted of melons.

When he was 16, she told Sam she loved him.

When he was 17, she threatened him with a gun.